Lyft. Uber. OnlyFans. As millions of workers are forced into even more precarious, volatile serfdom than they lived under before, the independent contracting business is booming. One of the latest players to capitalize on this trend is defense manufacturer Raytheon Technologies.
RTX shares skyrocketed last week after CEO Gregory Hayes delivered a virtual keynote to unveil his company’s flagship freelancing app, Playtheon. Operating exclusively in designated combat zones and adhering loosely to Geneva Conventions, the app allows freelancers to remotely pilot the company’s various guided weapons systems for profit.
“We don’t need sweaty grunts working nine monitors with zero AC. Our hardworking youths deserve better. They deserve liberty. That’s why we want to grant them the liberty of blowing up foreign villages from their living rooms.”
Hayes contemplated ways to keep aspiring mercenaries afloat amid COVID-19, so he settled on a convenient e-bounty system. Users can browse the accessible UI to choose high-value contracts, and take 10% of that value home with every confirmed HVT kill.
“We wanted to take the lessons we learned from our F-16 simulator app, transit apps like Uber, and merge them in a cohesive real-world context, so just think of those pay cuts as teeny little assassination fares.”
Lending that much firepower to the average citizen could understandably raise some ethical concerns. Fortunately, Hayes devised a foolproof penalty system to mitigate war crimes.
“Our default Playtheon payment terms are net15, because we’re confident that you fucking peasants can tighten your belts at least two weeks. That said, every civilian casualty our missile cameras catch could turn that net15 into a net30, net60, net100, net400, and so on. Might even get a disapproving finger wag from one of our Kawaii RaynaChan avatars. Wouldn’t want that, would you?”
Playtheon is slated to roll out November 4th across all mobile devices while small nations all over the world prepare for near-complete annihilation.