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Red Bull IPO Has Meteoric Rise Then Crashes About 4 Hours Later

FUSCHL, AUSTRIA — Upon hitting the market, Red Bull shares soared into the stratosphere for about four hours before experiencing a debilitating crash all the way to $2, good for a 90% decline sources indicate.

“Shares were priced at $20 per share, but as soon as it began trading it shot up to almost $9,000,” commented market analyst Beth Sharf. “The stock was uncontrollable and the chart looked like it was having involuntary spasms and twitches, bouncing off the walls between $5,000 -10,000 for a while, then by 1:30 pm, it immediately died — falling to $1 before settling at $2.”

Traders who bought into Red Bull were flying high for the morning, but several people missed the opportunity to sell before it tanked.

“I guess I should have known those wings wouldn’t last long, but wow was my portfolio going to the moon for a minute there,” said day trader Mikayla Barton. “Unfortunately, I didn’t use all that potential properly, and I crashed four hours later just like everyone else on the Red Bull train.”

Though in retrospect going public did not work out ideally, Red Bull CEO Dietrich Mateschitz described it as a calculated risk.

“We decided to IPO in case we run low on funds in the near future, just to keep things afloat,” Mateschitz stated. “We’re not dragging yet, but what if we start to and don’t have time to IPO, right? Gotta do it now to be safe.”

At press time, several investors said they are hoping to avoid the midday IPO crash by buying into Living Essentials LLC, the parent company of 5-Hour Energy.