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Report: All Stocks But Yours Continue to Rally

The stock market continued its meteoric rise today, as companies across all major industries experienced record gains. That is, of course, except the ones that are in your portfolio, which somehow faltered for the third day in a row.

Major indexes all reported fantastic trading days despite the pitiful performance of all the stocks you own. The Dow Jones Industrial Average grew 4.5% in the face of a poor day from the tech stock you picked up when you heard that computer parts were gonna explode by next quarter.

Unfazed by a meager showing from the electric vehicle stock you purchased after reading a twitter thread, the NASDAQ was able to rally a 6% increase on the day. And the S&P 500 continued its run without the help of the various retail store shares you invested in just because you visit their locations once a month and like the customer service.

Several high profile stocks propelled the growth of these index funds, but it doesn’t really matter which ones they were because you aren’t holding any of them. Instead, your entire portfolio continued its sad little descent through a free market from which you will never reap a benefit.

An investment strategist that only seems to be right when you don’t listen commented, “this market run is great news for everyone in the country. It’s hard to imagine there is anyone who would be so unlucky as to have picked only losers in a situation like this, everyone with a position should be celebrating right now!”