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Report: Biden Executive Order to Cancel $1 Billion in Student Margin Debt

After hearing his son Hunter smoked parmesan cheese thinking it was crack, Joe Biden knew he had to use his power to take some stress off the degenerate class. With so much buzz around the ideas of retail investing and cancelling student debt lately, Democrats think cancelling margin debt is a PR home run, and how couldn’t it be? It takes two great ideas and merges them into one big, terrible idea! Whoever says Dems are out of touch should publicly apologize.

It just makes so much sense if you think about it. Why cancel debt for a lame-ass arts degree no one cares about, when you could cancel debt for something cool and hip like making dangerous plays on penny stocks using the bank’s money? Either way no one’s gonna learn their lesson, so why do you care what the government does?

Freeing these kids of their investing debt means they could do something useful with their lives, like go to a private school for $60000 a year. The world is their oyster! Well, that is until the bank that gave them the oyster repossesses it for not making any of their payments.

No matter how good it sounds though, all new spending will be met with the question “How will we pay for it?” But Biden has an answer:

“Number 1, my aides told me to put my net worth into, uh, the Dogecoin, so when that hits $1000 I’ll be able to personally pay for the entire thing, Jack!”

There you have it folks. Run up those margin losses before the order takes effect and Doge goes to the moon! God bless!