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Report: Broke Robinhood Investors Who Bet Big on Blood Futures Behind Most Civil Unrest

Victor Fountain, a 24-year-old marketing executive, has “lost everything.” Surprisingly, his misfortune came at the hands of options trading, not the coronavirus.

“I was lucky enough to keep my job, but my Robinhood account, like, zeroed out after I went all in on Tesla calls following the split,” says the amateur trader, while stuffing a Molotov cocktail and paring knife into his backpack.

“So I borrowed some cash from my sister and put it all on blood. My focus now is to create the demand by joining the chaos downtown. All the fighting and chaos will lead to injuries and that creates the need for human blood.”

It’s a new and fast-spreading mentality that has seen blood futures soar in recent weeks. The basic premise is simple: near-broke Robinhood investors are placing calls on blood futures, then generating demand for blood by joining violent protests in the streets of America.

“It makes perfect sense,” according to Facebook protest-organizer and Etsy entrepreneur Amanda Landry, “because blood is a finite resource. Really, the only way to create new blood is to create new people. Babies! Gross! Like, we aren’t making those especially with who is in power right now.”

“That’s why the more blood we spill leading up to the election, the more our calls will be in the money,” says Landry, from the chair of her boyfriend/tattooist.

Whether blood futures continue this historic climb appears to be in the hands of desperate millennials such as Victor and Amanda. And Wall Street has taken notice that the country’s main streets could soon be running red.

“When society falls, buy blood futures!” exclaims Clarence Elms, CEO of Hivemind Financial and mastermind behind some of today’s most disruptive ETFs.

“Go ahead and be on the short side of the blood trade and get back to me with how that goes. You’ll be a buying in before you know it.”