KENNESAW, Ga — A disheartening new report has found that your co-worker has yet to take any meaningful action on the Robinhood referral link you first sent him three weeks ago, despite your constant badgering on Slack and Zoom calls.
“Dude, give it a rest. I’ve got a lot of shit going on and claiming my worthless free stock is seriously the last thing on my mind,” explained your co-worker. “And stop pinging me every day about how much you’re crushing the S&P, I’ve seen that shithole you call a home office — maybe you should take some of those sick profits and invest in some airpods instead of a headset that cuts out every 10 seconds.”
A representative for the popular online trading platform Robinhood weighed in on the bombshell report, whose contents also illuminate why your co-worker recently unfollowed you on social media.
“This incident is obviously an outlier. The majority of our users are well-adjusted, highly-respected influencers whose success on our platform is the envy of their friends and family. Your referral links are like manna from heaven and anyone who doesn’t recognize the life-changing free stock opportunity that awaits is human garbage, unworthy of your generosity and financial acumen.”
We also heard from you on the substance of today’s report, sourced from Slack messages you sent to your exasperated colleague this afternoon.
“Yo! been a minute… you check out that link I sent? here it is again icymi: