SAN FRANCISCO — Millions of Americans wouldn’t be able to afford a $400 option contract even if it was a sure thing and this was the one that was going to turn everything around for them, finally, according to a new report released today by the Center of American Finance, a think tank that has a horrible gambling problem.
The report also includes a stunning rebuke of Trump’s economic recovery narrative, saying the current unemployment rate doesn’t include those who will soon be fired because they won’t stop checking their fucking UVXY calls which bleed out every god damn day.
“Even in an emergency the hard working men and women of this country simply would not be able to cover the cost of a gut feeling that Canoo is the next Tesla,” Lance Turnbrigde, the Center’s executive director said. “Do we really want to live in a world like that?”
The report, which was widely shared on social media, did receive some negative feedback.
“This is insane. People do not need to be buying options contracts,” one fintwit user said. “They need to make responsible investing decisions: go balls deep in corn futures and crypto alt coins.”
Others, including Dave Portnoy, came to the defense of the report, saying that when you really think about it, the constitution was just a deep OTM option call. “The fact that americans today are no longer able to live that dream, when we make a new high every day, it sickens me,” he said in a highly polished video meme which included him putting the entire country on his back.
At press time the Center of American Finance was seen desperately writing a fundraising email to cover a margin call.