Press "Enter" to skip to content

Report: Over 20 million Jobs Lost But I Still Have One, Losers!

Over 20 million jobs lost. The highest unemployment rate since the Great Depression. Tons of people applying for government assistance. Yet your boy Lionel is crushing it! That’s right! Everyone’s favorite 39 year-old Dollar Tree Cashier is ahead of the game! To all the people who thought I had no future, you can kiss my freckly white ass!

Which definitely includes my parents! I remember they would tell me to stop getting high during school and apply myself. Yeah, like Greg who became a New York City real estate salesman? Ha! (BTW, Have fun eating some dick biscuits in this housing market Greg!) My parents are lucky I live with them rent free otherwise I would totally rub it in their loser faces.

My parents weren’t the only ones either. My last girlfriend let me go because she thought I couldn’t provide. Well, turns out I can provide better than at least 20 million other people! In fact, I am happy to see her go so I can start using all of these “Fingers Crossed” condoms we sell. That’s right ladies. I got a bucket and mop, so bring on the WAP!

Speaking of the job, I know that the green smock life isn’t glamorous, but it has its perks. One of which is seeing all of these pandemic deadbeats come in with their heads held low as they try to pick between kidney beans and lima beans for dinner. A few days ago, my neighbor tried to buy a can of corn but he only had 97 cents. I was like, “Sorry man, but you’re going to have to pick yourself up by your bootstraps!” I mean, it’s just jaw dropping how many people aren’t prepared for a worldwide pandemic. In the end though, it’s survival of the fittest and that’s why I will always be thriving.

Now if you don’t mind, I gotta go. My 15 minute break’s over.