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REPORT: TSLA Begins Black Friday Sale Early

PALO ALTO, Calif. — In anticipation of the holiday season, $TSLA has begun offering lower prices for Black Friday.

“We need to compete with the likes of Hondadays and Toyotathon, so we’re doing a monster sale this year,” commented Shannyn Sneed, marketing director for Tesla. “This 10% drop in price is only the beginning, I’m planning an epic red tag special, we’re talking somewhere in the neighborhood of 40-50% off — the value of these deals is going to the moon, baybeeee!”

For many Tesla investors, the drop in 10% was barely enough to effect their portfolios, as the price is still in the stratosphere.

“I only own 1 share, so dropping a little doesn’t mean much for me,” said retail trader Mike Stanton. “It went from ‘too expensive to buy more’ down to ‘slightly less expensive but still too expensive to buy more’, so same-same. Maybe by Christmas I’ll be able to afford one?”

CEO Elon Musk has assured investors the sale is only temporary and the price will go back up to normal after the holiday season ends.

“I can’t afford to run this sale too long, you know I don’t actually take a salary,” he reminded the press for the 90th time in a single day. “This sale mostly effects my tweets, as I have to adjust what percent of my portfolio needs to be sold to be able to end world hunger when I troll the UN, so, pretty big sacrifice on my part… but worth it for the holiday season!”

Despite being eager to compete, Jeff Bezos has assured his Cyber Monday sale will actually be a 300% increase in the price of AMZN.