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Robinhood Introduces New App Feature To Acquire Customers: Cocaine

Reports have come in that Robinhood is missing the days of weekly new Meme Stocks and Cryptocurrency Frenzies to push fresh waves of users to their platform. CEO Vlad Tenez spoke on the phone with Hard Money to counter the articles that their customer growth rate is falling.

“Fuck it. We sell cocaine now and the shit will be pure. Aspen pure. ” Mr. Tenez immediately went on the defensive when we asked about legality. The confidence of his tone was through the roof.

“The SEC can suck my dick sideways. Sure, at first the cocaine will be bought on the app, and someone will have to bring it to you in-person, but give us five years and we’ll have your iPhone spitting out snowbags.” Mr. Tenez at this point put the phone down, and made sounds that could only be described as “someone doing cocaine”. Hard Money tried to get a word in, but Mr. Tenez’s speaking patterns became rapid fire. He shifted focus to how he is “the King of Fuck Mountain”, and refused to elaborate on what that means.

The Chairman of the SEC, Gary Gensler was eager to respond via e-mail on the matter saying, “Yes, we’ve allowed Robinhood to run wild, treat their user base like garbage, break several finance laws and generally parade around as they fart in our faces. But I draw the line at selling people cocaine.”