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Robinhood Says Fuck It: Adds Slots, Roulette to App

Robinhood, the user-friendly investment app, has decided to cut all pretenses and add slots and roulette games to its offerings. The company has introduced millions of people to stocks and investing and looks at this new model as a way to connect with the wishes of their customers. Founder and CEO Vlad Tenev says, “We’ve listened to our users and options plays just aren’t cutting it for most. They don’t want to have to wait until the end of the day to find out if their $SPY calls are worth anything. They don’t want to research and read boring financial statements. With Robinhood Casino we’ve decided to give them what they really want. Pure gambling.”

The app will now give users the opportunity to play and bet on familiar casino games. Plans are for roulette and different styles of slot machines each with an investing twist. Instead of red and black on the roulette wheel it will be ITM and OTM. Slots will feature faces of well known tech CEOs.

Robinhood user Dave Ishmael downloaded the app during the pandemic. “I just thought it would be a fun thing to do and maybe make a little extra cash learning how the markets work. Pretty soon, though, I was using leverage and joining pump and dump discord channels. It was nice to be able to get my fix at home since all the casinos were closed. I’m looking forward to being able to lose my money right away with these new games.”

A Citadel spokesperson assured us, “We’ll find a way to get in on this.”