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Robinhood Team Will Just Make Stock Picks For You, You Helpless Imbecile

Stock trading app Robinhood announced today that the app will now make all investing decisions for its helpless users.

“Most of our users are just totally clueless, so we’ll make their trading decisions for them from now on,” said Robinhood VP of User Experience Shelley Minter.

Robinhood’s interface has been totally redesigned in the latest update. Instead of buttons labeled “buy” and “sell”, users will now just watch the app make trading decisions on their behalf.

After the GameStop debacle, Robinhood management decided that allowing its users to choose which stocks to buy is too risky for the firm’s liquidity position.

Instead, Robinhood’s AI-enabled decision engine will evenly spread its users’ buying activity between the thousands of tickers available on the app. This way they can minimize overall volatility while ensuring users accounts slowly bleed out while allowing them to feel they are participating in the markets.

While it’s unclear what this will mean for the future of the app, for now analysts are bullish indicating removing the decision making process should lure users into an even larger false sense of security.