BURLINGAME, Calif. — Recent college graduate and inexperienced investor Dave Moss has something to celebrate, having narrowed his portfolio’s trailing 7-day losing streak by 50% after making a commensurate reduction in screen real estate earlier in the week.
“Back in April I was totally crushing the S&P on my iPad, but I could only make one reckless trade at a time,” Moss explained. “So naturally I opened another Robinhood account, upgraded to a sick dual monitor setup and went full fucking Edward Scissorhands on that shit.”
“In hindsight, I probably should’ve used that second monitor to do research instead of double-fisting crypto futures and accidentally shorting the LONG positions in my other account, but whatevs, YOLO amirite?”
Moss ultimately downsized his Robinhood trading footprint after mounting losses resulted in eviction, forcing him to set up shop in his sister’s studio apartment.
“Dave showed up at my door two weeks ago with those big ass screens like some maniac tryna jack into the fucking Matrix and I was not having it,” lamented Moss’ sister Christine. “Bro, you need to get a job, pay the rent, and if you wanna throw away the rest of your money on stocks, make impulsive uninformed trades on your phone like the rest of us.”
As of press time, Moss has reportedly cut his recent losses to near zero following a series of rolling blackouts that knocked out cell and internet service to his neighborhood.