TAUNTON, Mass. — Kyle Braxton, a 22-year-old Robinhood user, admitted today that his initial plan to use the popular stock trading app to build a well-diversified portfolio with a long-term outlook only lasted three hours.
Initially planning to develop a basket of passively traded ETFs that track broad-based indexes like the S&P 500, Braxton instead quickly pivoted to an investing strategy based on complex trailing options strategies touted on YouTube by men with odious facial hair.
“I read a lot of experts who have said that the best way to invest is to build a basket of varied asset classes with a decades-long horizon that also mitigates risk. However, after I finished watching the final six episodes of Season 2 of Cobra Kai, I knew I had to change course,” Braxton said.
“Thanks to some very convincing research compiled by a Reddit user with a two-day old account, I decided to sell all of my Vanguard target-dated funds and instead place all of my savings into an obscure biotech penny stock.”
Braxton also decided to start by keeping to a disciplined savings plan that limited him to investing no more than 10% of his bi-weekly paycheck. However, Braxton found himself managing a margin account that gives him nearly seven figures worth of buying power soon after he finished a late-afternoon snack of red pepper hummus and pita bread.
Sara Henning, Braxton’s girlfriend of two years, openly sighed when informed of Braxton’s inability to stick to his originally well-designed but now completely disregarded commitment to financial planning.
“He spent weeks planning my birthday. We were going to go to New York, eat at a really fancy restaurant owned by some guy who was on Top Chef and then see Hamilton,” Sara said. “But he forgot to book the hotel room and also didn’t know that you can’t just, like, get Hamilton tickets at the door. We ended up at a Dave and Buster’s where he tried to win me a stuffed animal and couldn’t even do that.”