WASHINGTON – In an effort to appeal to younger, less risk averse investors, the SEC has approved the listing of a new stock index comprised exclusively of Initial Public Offerings, stoked Robinhood bros reported.
“This is for the investor who wants the convenience of a stock index with the nauseating emotional roller coaster of brashly buying into IPOs.” says hedge fund manager and visionary behind “Oops All IPOs”, Jason Duffy. “Yes, this means the composition is constantly shifting. Yes, this makes investing more like a slot machine than a fiscal strategy. But that’s what makes it so exciting! And isn’t that what investing is all about? Having fun?”
For its part, the SEC sees no issue in making investing seem more exhilarating and palpable to a newer generation.
“Look, it’s what these younger kids want. For every share of 3M they reluctantly purchase, they gobble up of every AI startup or crypto currency they can get their hands on” says SEC Chairman, Jay Clayton. “Is it good for their portfolios? Probably not. But it provides that sweet sweet adrenaline rush that only that kind of volatility can offer.”
Investors who got used to the thrill of market fluctuations over the past few years are looking for new opportunities to recapture that energy.
“NASDAQ? More like NAS-whack! You can keep those steady and consistent returns,” says eager young investor and part time DJ, Zach Barnett. “Every time I drop some cash into an IPO from a company with no reasonable path to profitability…it just…it hits different, you know? So when I heard that I could mainline that feeling 24/7, you better believe I was first in line.”
At press time, the SEC once more wanted to stress that “Oops, All IPOs” is fine as a “sometimes-investment” but should not be promoted as a fiscally sound part of a balanced portfolio.