Washington, DC – Senators called a recess Wednesday to allow members ample time to properly adjust their insider trading plans. With the stock market on a tear, leaders of both parties agreed that the senators’ number one priority should be to maximize the gains in their personal trading accounts.
“With the new administration preparing to take over, we need to make sure each member has enough time to adjust their trading strategies accordingly,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer told reporters before a meeting with his financial adviser.
“Not only will we need to front-run positive vaccine news by shifting to physical economy stocks, each member of this chamber also needs to adjust their holdings in defense contractors according to who golfs with the CEOs of Biden’s defense advisors,” Schumer continued.
Reports have emerged that dozens of senators were frantically searching stock scanners for penny pharmaceutical stocks that would be more likely to have their experimental drugs approved by the new FDA administration.
“While we would have loved to pass a second stimulus bill, it’s important that senators take a well-earned six week break for the holiday,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “I’m sure the poor folk can figure out a way to last until late January or so.”
Georgia Senator Kelly Loeffler missed a scheduled debate with her runoff opponent because the market had not yet closed, and she needed to “do some quick hedging trades before close.”