Denver, CO — Earlier today the mysterious software company Palantir released their quarterly earnings smashing expectations and propelling the stock higher. CEO Alex Karp then took questions from analysts attempting to glean information about the upcoming quarter and what to expect.
Most of the questions were pretty standard however one from analyst Dan Kirk specifically stood out. Instead of using his time to ask about revenue guidance a shaky voiced Kirk asked in as soft a manner as possible for the safe and timely return of his family. While this caught some off-guard there were many analysts who understood exactly what was transpiring.
“Everyone knows you go easy during these,” says analyst Morgan Housdel. “This company knows your deepest darkest secrets and they don’t screw around. Another analyst at my firm asked about what he deemed to be excessive executive compensation and he was never heard from again. I miss him every day.”
The silence after Kirk made his request felt like an eternity noted several people who wished to remain anonymous. Finally the glowing orb housing Karp’s likeness responded with a maniacal laugh and muttered “we’ll see” several times.
As of this writing it is unclear whether or not he plans to return the family or if they have already been dispatched but the market is loving everything they see from the company and have rewarded the shares handsomely.