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Short Seller Frantically Inventing New Covid Variants in Comment Section of WebMD

Short seller Jason Watkins, 41, of Bethesda, Maryland spent the weekend frantically inventing new Covid variants in the comment section of WebMD, according to sources.

Watkins reportedly started shorting the S&P 500 index “SPY” in early January. The amateur trader has grown increasingly desperate as SPY reached new all-time highs over the last couple of months.

According to sources, Watkins even stood outside hospitals in scrubs warning passerby about “deadly” new forms of Covid-19, even urging many to go “all cash” in their 401(k) accounts.

“This new form of Covid KILLS 99% of patients!!!” Watkins wrote in a comment under a WebMD post Sunday. “Markets will be CRUSHED! Back down to 0!! Get out of $SPY while u still can!!!!1!!”

Watkins went on to list 97 fictional variants of Covid, according to sources familiar with the matter. Watkins was later seen that night blocking the entrance to the Apple store while screaming at customers to not buy any Apple products.

He pleaded with customers to instead buy cell phones and computers from manufacturers not in the S&P 500 index, according to one witness.