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Softbank Celebrates 30 Days Without Embarrassing Itself

TOKYO–Balloons fell, drinks were raised and employees were in good cheer today as Softbank, the multinational holding company, celebrated 30 days without embarrassing itself.

“We did it!” exclaimed jubilant founder Masayoshi Son via teleconference to employees around the world. The achievement represents a triumphant success story for the company’s “Fewer Fuck-Ups 2021” policy.

“We didn’t want to try a zero disasters policy because, c’mon, that’s pretty unrealistic,” explained Ryan Lewis, public relations director of Softbank’s Vision Fund, in an exclusive interview with Hard Money. “But slightly fewer embarrassments? That’s a goal everybody can get behind!”

“Granted, I’m not saying the last month has been perfect,” said Lews. “I mean, Credit Suisse cut ties with us a few weeks ago for backing the Greensill fraud. And I guess they’re thinking about suing us. But the fraud itself was over 30 days ago. That’s a win in my book.”

Also within the past month, Softbank-backed construction company Katerra has collapsed, which is an event the company considers “an unfortunate loss of an ungodly sum of money, but not the kind of thing that makes us look like complete idiots, like WeWork did.”

“There hasn’t been an SEC investigation against us in the last month either,” added Lewis.

Hard Money would have more details but our discussion with Mr. Lewis was interrupted when he received a phone call mid-interview which caused his face to go white, after which he hurried out of the room without explanation.