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Stimulus Talks Going Well: Pelosi Places Loaded Gun on Table and Announces ‘She’s Done Fucking Around’

Washington DC – Police are frantically battling a hostage situation in the nation’s capital tonight. With the rise in militia groups, it was initially thought to be an act of domestic terrorism. However it is now known that the representatives are being held at gunpoint by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

Earlier today, the speaker calmly locked all the doors of the house chamber, returned to her seat, then placed a loaded glock on her desk. Pelosi is quoted saying that she is ‘sick and tired of you people wasting my damn time. I’m done fucking around.’

Authorities outside were alerted by a warning shot the speaker fired into the ceiling.

Pelosi has stated her list of demands. This includes: $1,200 to each American Citizen, the severed head of Steven Mnuchin, and that the requested stimulus bill total $10 trillion dollars (Pelosi claimed that congress had their chance at $2 trillion).

Negotiations have not been productive. During a phone call with SWAT, Pelosi shot House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy in the knee, telling police ‘here, maybe this will stimulate ya.’

President Trump has responded to the current hostage situation by reassuring the country that everything was under control. From his golf course this afternoon, he tweeted ‘Crazy Nancy is at it agian!! First Fake Impeachment now this? SAD!’

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been informed of his need to pass a stimulus bill in order to save the lives of those in harm’s way. McConnell responded saying he sends his regards and wishes them the best, before hanging up abruptly.

Despite these dire stakes, the market’s responded positively with all indices surging on news Pelosi would be sending out one dead hostage per hour until her demands were met.