NEW YORK — Newcomer to the investing world, Ryan Hadley, confirmed he chooses which stocks to buy based on how funny their symbol is.
“I was pondering investment strategies, and came across BNR, Burning Rock Biotech, and thought, ‘well that kinda sounds like boner, I guess that’s the one’, and it paid out huge, so I figured, stay the course, ya know?” Hadley commented. “Then came Putnam Mortgage Securities, PUSYX, which sounds like if the Tesla shuttle explored a certain female orifice instead of space, or maybe some kind of super fighting robot vagina? Both of which are sick!”
Robinhood employee Meredith Berkeley has stated this strategy is more common than most realize.
“I’ve been seeing this a lot lately, especially with newer accounts,” she acknowledged. “Brown and Brown, BRO, was a big one, then Brain Scientific Inc, BRSF, which I guess sounds like ‘Brosef’, and finally Crown Holdings Inc, CCK, I guess because ‘cock’, or maybe ‘cuck’? Yeah, these idiots have lost so much money, it’s wild.”
CEO’s of companies with funny names have taken notice of the trend and are attempting to address it.
“I tried so hard to change our symbol to DICK,” said the CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods, Edward W. Stack. “I also tried claiming our slogan was ‘Cleats, Uniforms, Nets, and Trainers’, and then ‘Frisbee, Uniforms, Cleats, and Kickballs’ to secure other funny symbol options, but that dang stock exchange wasn’t having any of it — I guess they’re on to me!”
Noticing the trend, notorious market prankster Elon Musk got in on the action by starting a new tech company that studies interstellar redshifts (represented by Z) caused by Jupiter, calling it ‘Jupiter Interstellar Redshifts’, listing with the well-earned symbol ‘JIZZ’.