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Struggling Artist Holds Quarterly Earnings Call With Top Investors Mom and Dad

Los Angeles, CA — Sitting on the cold ground of his 360-square-foot studio apartment, local struggling artist Justin Johannsen, 33, held his quarterly earnings call for his top investors this morning. Only two people dialed in—his mother and father.

While he maintained an optimistic attitude, Johannsen’s balance sheet painted a grim picture. He reported a 20 percent quarterly revenue loss in Q2, primarily a result of skipping several shifts at his part-time Peet’s Coffee job to perform at comedy open mics, poetry readings, and jam sessions.

“I’m just not 100 percent certain what art form I’m most passionate about, so I’m compelled to continue trying a little bit of everything,” Johannsen said, validating why he’s pursuing multiple artistic avenues in lieu of a decent paycheck.

Minutes later, Johannsen delivered another piece of bad news to investors: his costs spiked 13 percent from the previous quarter. While consumer prices did increase 4.3 percent in the 12-month period ending in July, Johannsen’s expenditures far outpaced the national average.

“I don’t think I should take all the blame for the rising costs that we’re seeing,” Johannsen said. “I’ve actually cut back in certain ways, like using only three toilet paper squares per bathroom trip. But there are just too many vital expenses that I can’t trim, like my vape pen. They keep adding new flavors!”

A closer look at Johannsen’s financial statements shows the largest increase in expenses coming from avocado toast, moleskine notebooks, and a reddit account with 50,000 Karma, which he established was “necessary to promote any future special, album, or book” that he may do.

Johannsen’s father, who has provided several rounds of seed money to jumpstart his son’s passions, expressed some frustration during the Q&A portion. “We’ll always support you, but what’s the timetable for you turning this around and getting me some ROI?” Father Johannsen inquired.

Johannsen responded that he recently started a Patreon account before immediately asking his mom if she’d become a monthly supporter.