MENLO PARK, Calif. — Researchers looking into the massive Facebook outage on October 4th have discovered the majority of Facebook users spent the entirety of the outage opening the app, realizing it was still down, closing the app, then immediately reopening the app.
“I would click the F, it would fail to load, and I would remember Facebook is down,” stated self-described casual user Mark Patel. “Then once it was closed, I would ‘go about my day’ for about 4 seconds, but ‘going about my day’ generally consists of checking Facebook, so I would forget it was down and try to open it again in an endless time loop that lasted the entire day.”
Instagram influencer Jessica Park stated she initially saw the app’s outage as an opportunity to be more productive.
“When I heard, I assumed it would be good because it’s one less distraction from work all day,” she began saying while simultaneously doom-scrolling Instagram. “Unfortunately, it actually ate up even more time than usual because I kept retrying the app. There was an entire hour where I forgot about the outage and just kept rebooting my dad’s WiFi. I tried switching to data, all of it. And even once I realized what was going, it’s not even like I would forget, it was more of a reflex — opening Instagram is like breathing, my brain reminding me it’s down had too much lag.”
Mark Zuckerberg began laughing maniacally and twisting the air where his mustache would be if he could grow one until realizing there were other people watching, at which point he made a statement about the outage.
“This definitely had nothing to do with any bad press Facebook has been getting, and it was certainly not any sort of social experiment to determine just how addicted the world’s population has gotten to my beautiful creation,” he stated in a disconcerting monotonous tone. “It was just a regular old run-of-the-mill outage. Nothing nefarious going on with me. Ever. Why do you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask? I thought I heard something with my robot ears. Sorry about that. Anyway, have you tried Oculus yet? It’s even more addicti— I mean fun! It’s even more fun!”
When reached for comment, stakeholder Sean Parker commented, “Stop calling it the Facebook outage, just call it ‘Facebook outage’, it’s cleaner… Also please only contact me through my attorney from now on.”