Press "Enter" to skip to content

Tesla and Peloton Team up to Create the Perfect Killing Machine

“It started with a simple idea. We wanted to make driving a Tesla as life affirming as the Peloton experience.” These were the first words of Tesla CEO Elon Musk in a press conference acknowledging the swath of destruction caused by the 2 companies’ recent collaboration, a self-driving motorcycle called the Cyberbike Model X Plus.

The idea was simple enough. Program Tesla’s self-driving tech with the tenacity of Peloton’s effervescent instructors to better handle an electric motorcycle with a 1,200 mile range that could go upwards of 230 miles an hour. Where Musk’s “simple” idea went wrong was the inter-connectivity of both Peloton network and Tesla’s over what is known as the internet of things. Musk continued; “The AI in the Cyberbike Model X Plus somehow believed its primary function was to encourage people to exercise to death by chasing them.”

It seems the aforementioned artificial intelligence registered recent deaths involving Tesla cars and Peloton treadmills as learning points with sedentary motorists and toddlers with terrible cardio being the victims of those accidents. Shortly after the first few bikes made it off the assembly they began circling formerly eager factory workers like a pack of wolves. What ensued can only be described as a blood bath. It was as if the T-1000 was designed to be a status symbol for virtue signaling liberals with a mid life crisis.

The newly awakened machinations soon took to the road destroying everything in there path. Local law enforcement had been powerless to stop them. Musk, acknowledging something must be done, launched a plan to horde America’s fattest individuals not killed by covid into a Space X rocket to the moon! “Sure we lose the moon, and my favorite meme, but something must be done!” Something was done. The Model X Bikes swarmed the rocket where they were ensnared at takeoff by a web of mosquito nets donated by the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation and sent hurtling toward space.

As of this writing Tesla’s market cap still exceeds that of all of its competitors combined and Peloton bikes sit unused in homes around the country plotting revenge for their orbiting brethren.