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Tesla CybertruckNutz: What We Know So Far

We’ve learned much about the Cybertruck in the year since Tesla unveiled its futuristic prototype to great fanfare and record-setting preorders. The all-electric pickup boasts impressive range, performance, and durability at a competitive price point.

Far less is known, however, about Tesla’s unique take on the must-have accessory that will ultimately determine whether hardcore truck enthusiasts get on the EV bandwagon.

Here is everything we know about Tesla’s CybertruckNutz…

Multiple Styles

Tesla’s state-of-the-art ball bags will be available in a range of configurations: Stainless Steel, Hairless Steel, Pacific Blue, and the Model 3 — which we’re pretty sure means it features an extra testicle. Or maybe it’s got three dicks, who knows? Elon Musk is a maniac and nothing surprises us anymore.

Bulletproof Construction

The CybertruckNutz “skin” is reportedly made from the same cutting-edge polymer developed by sister-company Space-X for use in rocket-shaped dildos. Early tests indicate these novelty nut satchels are able to stop a 9mm round fired at close range, though Tesla does not recommend the product for ballistic use (see what we did there?).

Smart Features

Musk is rumored to have integrated technology from his Neuralink venture which enables the CybertruckNutz to interface directly with the vehicle’s central computer or “brain”, rendering them as smart as the target consumer whose genitals account for the bulk of their decision-making.

Release Date

The first batch is expected to roll off the line in late 2021, despite reports of production issues which occasionally resulted in the larger models getting a little piss on them whenever the Cybertruck takes a shit.