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The World’s Largest Manufacturer Of RFID Chips Partners With Moderna On Something Completely Unrelated. Stop Being Crazy. You’re All Acting Crazy!

Seattle Washington- The tension in the air is palpable. I’m sitting across from Chris Diorio, founder of the world’s largest RFID chip manufacturer Impinj. The company just announced a partnership with the bio technology firm Moderna who everyone knows as creating one of the two Covid-19 vaccines currently being given out.

“I don’t understand why everyone is being so weird right now. Sure we’re working with Moderna but it’s on something totally different. RFID chips are used to inter-connect objects creating the internet of things. You’re not implying that two large, publicly traded companies think of people as things do you? I mean we already have an internet of people and it’s just a racist mess.”

Taking a brief pause to gather my thoughts on that statement an increasingly erratic Diorio blurts out “I mean sure if there was a product to make people as reliable and dependable as say, one of those two door smart fridges that reminds you to get milk when you’re low that would be great. However, as of now no combination of chemicals and technology exists to get people to simply respond to commands like a garage door opener and anyone who thinks that sort of thing does exist is living in a fantasy world. It’s completely crazy. I mean how would you even do that?”

As I was opening my mouth to ask my first question security rushed in and ushered me out of the building. The next day I reached out to Moderna CEO Stephane Bancel for comment on a video of Moderna employees seemingly using a blow dart and an old Garmin device to track the movements of the local homeless population. She swiftly replied “RFID chips? Do those go in salsa or hummus?” She then began cackling maniacally before hanging up.