Statistically speaking, any investment in early-stage companies is almost certainly destined to fail. While startups are high-risk, high reward endeavors, most investors understand that losing money is simply a part of the game. But one small team of entrepreneurs is setting themselves apart from the crowd by revolutionizing the way dumb shit investors can blow money on terrible startups.
“It’s a pretty typical story. My friends and I were ripping tubes in my mom’s garage and wondering if there was a way to streamline how investors wreck their life’s savings on half-baked startup ideas. That’s how we came up with ‘FUCCDLLRS’ explained CEO Garret Forrester. “We had no business skills, no education, no moxey, and almost no motivation. But what we had was an idea and a dream.”
The team immediately got to work, devising new and exciting ways of destroying wealth.
“Originally, we were stacking the money on top of our conference room table, dousing it in gasoline, and then making our investors watch as we burned it all, Joker-style. But that got boring pretty fast. It also sent the wrong message about why we were doing it. People assumed we were anarchists or a Banksy-influenced art collective,” said CIO and Forrester’s Adderall dealer Natalie “Brown Finger” Mack. “But the fact is, we simply don’t know what we’re doing. We’re dum-dums. Like, we just called ourselves a start-up on Facebook, and then white guys in Tesla’s immediately began giving us money.”
Despite having no business plan, website, mission statement, or even computers, investors have generally had no qualms about throwing large chunks of cash at FUCCDLLRS.
“The thing I love most about these guys and gals is the way they shift paradigms, disrupt industries, and let’s not forget other buzz phrases, as well,” said angel funder Elliot Whittington. “I’ve actually got a meeting with them later. Something about how they’re going to ‘blow up my investment.’ I’m very constructive on their business.”
At press time, the FUCCDLLRS team was seen at Home Depot purchasing 300 gallons of sterno gel and 2 dozen leaf blowers after another successful round of funding.