Press "Enter" to skip to content

Tinder IPO Expected to Be Similar to Bumble IPO but a Little More Slutty

LOS ANGELES — As dating app Tinder prepares to IPO, experts have predicted it will follow a similar trajectory to fellow matchmaking platform Bumble, but slightly more promiscuous, sources indicate.

“We’re not really looking for anything longterm, so we’ll likely only spend a day or so on each available exchange,” began Tinder CEO Jim Lanzone. “Bumble took a more veiled approach, pretending to have more growth potential, but we prefer to be more upfront, even if that means behaving questionably. And hey, if the NYSE turns out great, then maybe we’ll stop by unannounced for some extended-hours trading once in a while.”

Market expert Cassandra Larkon has stated Tinder will inevitably be similar to Bumble because they are essentially identical products.

“It’s the same thing, so it’ll have all the same problems, except they’re more honest, so it’ll likely behave the same, except, ya know, more blatantly all slutty and icky and creepy and all that,” Larkon commented. “Like, this IPO might show up on your ‘stocks to watch’ list whether you want it or not, it might show promise for a day then ghost the next… I wouldn’t be surprised if their quarterly shareholder report was just an unsolicited image of their growth chart.”

Though many are already wise to Tinder’s behavior, some shareholders are holding out hope it can change.

“This time will be different!” exclaimed shareholder Mark Banner. “I don’t care what the predictive models say, I don’t care what the experts and the data point to, I believe this stock can change. I like the stock, and it likes me, and we’re going to be very happy on the moon together forever. Now that I bought in, it’ll never ghost a market again!”

As of last night at 3 AM it was reported Tinder was deleted off the NYSE then relisted with a different description and updated earning chart images.