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Top 4 Excuses for Panic Selling at the Absolute Bottom

Did you panic sell at the absolute bottom of the market today? If you’re embarrassed to admit to your co-workers, friends, or spouse that you are a complete buffoon when it comes to trading and investing, then add these four rock-solid excuses to your arsenal.

1. “I’ve been drinking heavily during the day”

Telling people that you’ve been drinking heavily during the workday usually stops even the nosiest person dead in their tracks. They’ll no longer inquire about your questionable trading decisions, and will likely avoid you altogether.

2. “I tried entering a short vertical spread with an iron condor hedge, but the system glitched”

If your wife tries talking down to you by pointing out your incompetency, turn it right back on her by explaining your impossibly complicated strategy that Robinhood’s app wasn’t able to comprehend. It doesn’t even have to make sense; the more important-sounding words strung together, the better.

3. “The hedge funds hacked my account and sold off my stocks”

Hedge fund managers are known for sabotaging retail traders any chance they get. No one would be surprised if one of those hedgies hacked into your trading account and liquidated all your positions.

4. “I thought I was swiping right on Tinder”

It’s easy to mix up an investing platform and a dating app these days, right? Just let people know that it was an honest mistake. Maybe you forgot your glasses and thought the AMC logo was a hot chick smiling at you. Warning: Do NOT use this excuse on your spouse.