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Total Asshat From High School Doesn’t Deserve To Become Bitcoin Millionaire

With bitcoin reaching record highs this week, it’s hard to ignore the fact that the biggest shithead from your high school graduating class is now an undeserving crypto millionaire.

That’s right: the kid who spent all day doodling dicks on desks and playing calculator games on his TI-83 plus now has more wealth than you will likely accrue in your entire lifetime. All because he bought some stupid internet money in 2011 and forgot about it for nearly a decade. Too bad you didn’t do that.

As you slave away at your desk job, painstakingly ascending the corporate ladder step by backbreaking step, he sits in his custom gaming chair, pounding Mountain Dew Kickstart and shitposting on 4chan. He’s hasn’t woken up before 11 AM in at least five years, not that he has to. He’s a self-made mogul! Maybe if you had bought 82 BTC for next to nothing with the intention of buying drugs on the internet but instead gave up and just kept them, you could be sleeping in too.

But life’s not fair, at least not for you. Your fancy college degree only put you deep into debt. Meanwhile, the turd who pulled the fire alarm at least once a month in 11th grade just bought his second Tesla, and he doesn’t even have a driver’s license. Not that he needs one. He can just hire a chauffeur! The loser who flunked geometry twice has got chauffeur money, and you’ve got student loans. Funny how life works.