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Trader Levels Up In E*TRADE, Unlocks Elusive 5th FDIC Disclaimer

ATLANTA — E*TRADE user Mark Dalton ascended to a new plateau in the stock trading app experience after discovering the rarely seen 5th FDIC disclaimer, sources allege.

“The first few are easy, ‘you already placed a trade on that stock’, ‘you already traded today’, ‘you’re over your margin limit’, whatever those are,” Dalton began, while actively losing all gains he had seen earlier in the day. “But then you get the rare ‘if this trade goes through you are in violation of federal law’ disclaimer and it’s like, game on! Let’s go! Day traders rise up! But recently I uncovered yet another warning that basically just said ‘Hey idiot, you’re about to lose literally all your money!’ — I’m paraphrasing, but you get it. Real exciting stuff.”

E*TRADE engineers elaborated on the nature of the mythical 5th disclaimer, stating there are actually 256 in total.

“I doubt anyone will ever unlock every level, but they are there, embedded in the code,” stated app developer Samantha Geffen. “The more you make dumb trades that violate market laws, the more FDIC disclaimers you’ll unlock. I suppose it’s exciting to ‘catch em all’ in a sense, but you really shouldn’t be collecting them, as they generally coincide with the user losing a ton of money… But they’re there, so, have fun I guess?”

FDIC representative Doug Chambers sounded off on the nature of the disclaimers, saying he didn’t even realize how many there were.

“We laid out the policy for these app developers, but how they decide to implement is entirely up to them, so who knows,” he commented. “If it were up to me, I’d have one warning: ‘you are day trading, you will lose money. Stop it!’ But on the other hand, what do I care, I get paid either way, do what you want. I’m just glad they stopped calling me F-Dic, that name hurt my feelings.”

At press time Dalton was rumored to be nearing the 6th FDIC disclaimer but sadly had to close his brokerage account after his balance hit $0.