Deep sighs of relief were temporarily exhaled across the country this month after President Biden enthusiastically answered “sure, I guess, why not?” on the question of not leaving millions of more Americans for dead on the streets, before the Supreme Court changed their mind with an enthusiastic “no dice”!
Unfortunately, one person’s sigh of deep relief is another person’s sigh of deep, profound disappointment, and dreams deferred, perhaps forgone for good. Some Americans, like 46-year old Philadelphian Adolphus Ericcson, have had to cope with watching their once-in-a-lifetime dreams never materialize.
Ericcson, the heir of the modestly-renowned Ericcson’s Enemas dynasty, hasn’t just waited 18 months to evict the family of 8 residing in his Allegheny West tenement. Rather, the landlord has had to come to terms with watching a lifelong passion project never materialize.
“I actually wanted to torture and lord over motherfuckers overseas at first, but the Army recruiter said my goddamn feet were too webbed. So, instead of wartime, I figured that I could use my webbed feet to stomp their livelihoods down to dust back home, in their homes, during the backdrop of another mass death event. But no, apparently that was too much to ask!”
For years, the Ericcson clan has long relished in sadism over the course of their callings, be they WW2-era rocket scientists, C.I.A. black site coordinators, asshole grime washers, or vaguely racist Nordic black metal artists imprisoned for firebombing the village square. Everyone but Adolphus, that is, even with the help of his father’s $12.4 million enema nest egg.
“I’ve tried scratching the floors with thumbtacks, playing 10-hour noise compilations over a Bose, even baited rats into the fuckin’ place. But ain’t nothing’s been budging this stupid moratorium! Nothing!”
Ericcson’s Enemas has built a storied legacy occupying the shelves of the city’s second-rate Wawa competitors. That said, Adolphus says that the most difficult part of his own passive income venture has been failing to set a clear legacy for his son Eichmann.
“I started him early on the rental work, on the ginning up spaces, on the stray cat skinning. But it bums me the fuck out that I couldn’t show him the Big Kahuna, and will maybe never get to, y’know?”
Adolphus’ tragic story has garnered viral attention on the Brotherly Loving Landlords Facebook group, one instance of many poor, vulnerable upper-middle-class millionaire landlords bearing the brunt of economic subjugation and discrimination.
“It’s a travesty what they’re doing to the little big guys in this country! Absolute open season on us!” Lamented Robert O’Parry, 56, moderator of the Bucks Backs The Blue group.
“I tried to oust my ENTIRE BUILDING after the downstairs’ families little shit daughter noised up the place with her ‘violin lessons’. Know what the eviction courts’ said to my request? Nuh-uh! UN FRIGGING BELIEVABLE!” Chimed Sandy Fairfax, 67, moderator of the Westchester WWG1WGA Wine Moms group.
Ericcson urges the country’s leadership to harbor more empathy for those who profit off of having none. That said, he remains hopeful that the Delta variant & latest SCOTUS verdict could still allow his childhood wishes to potentially become reality come early 2022.