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Uber CEO: We Can Continue Mission of Losing Millions Despite Internet Outage

Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi put out a statement Friday morning assuring drivers, customers, and investors that the company has a contingency plan in place to “continue our mission of losing ungodly sums of money each and every single day” despite widespread internet outages.

“The internet outages across the country are affecting the Uber service in many areas, but we vow to do whatever it takes to continue incinerating investor capital,” Khosrowshahi said.

According to sources familiar with the matter, Uber keeps a stockpile of physical cash on hand for emergencies such as today’s internet outage. The company may decide to burn hundreds of thousands of dollars per hour, according to the source. Dumping the money into the ocean is also a possibility.