His Holiness Pope Francis sent shockwaves through the religious world with the announcement yesterday of a $3.2 trillion Special Purpose Acquisition Company to acquire other religions.
“Thanks to the miracle of modern finance, Rome can at long last contemplate a reunification with its wayward sons and daughters,” said the Pope in a press release. Vatican Bank president Jean-Baptiste de Franssu added, “This will be Pope Francis’s legacy to the Roman Catholic Church.”
High on the Vatican’s rumored list of targets is the Eastern Orthodox church, which was the object of a hostile acquisition campaign as recently as 1204. “It’s no secret that every pontiff in recent memory has wanted to add the Eastern Orthodox to the Church’s portfolio,” said RBC Capital religion analyst Frank Hefner in a note to subscribers. “We believe that Orthodox earnings at current valuations would be accretive to Vatican shareholder value,” added Hefner, although warning that merging archaic Greek and Latin technology systems could prove challenging.
While the Eastern Orthodox church is the obvious top target, non-Christian denominations may be in play as well. The ancient Zoroastrian religion has a lot of potential as a turnaround play, said AllianceBernstein analyst Ellen Katz. “Frankly, they’ve been written off by many and have low brand recognition. The synergy realized in a merger could easily turn this one into a ten-bagger, plus the addition of Ahura Mazda would greatly enhance the Church’s existing Holy Trinity product line.”
Other potential acquirees include the Baháʼí faith, Inuit shamanism, and Lutheranism. God the Almighty Creator was unavailable for comment.