Walmart made a surprising move today, announcing that they will be providing low-cost insulin to reverse the effects of literally every other product they sell.
“This is an exciting step for our stores. We have been giving our customers diabetes for years, it’s time we give them a treatment,” said CEO Doug McMillon. “Vials of insulin can be found next to our bakery, right by the Hostess display.”
This is a continuation of Walmart’s foray into the healthcare industry, but for decades, they’ve been a leader in the markets for high calorie foods, fireworks, lawn darts, small choking hazards, and guns.
“We basically want to be net zero, as far as the health of our customers is concerned,” continued McMillon. “Anything Walmart causes, we can cure. And, in the future, anything we cure, we can cause. The end goal is to start selling carcinogens again.”
At press time McMillon clarified that Walmart employees still can’t have healthcare, saying it was unprofessional to maintain your personal health while you work.