BENTONVILLE, AR — Crypto traders are reeling today from Litecoin’s price tumble due to a fake news release about a potential Walmart partnership that initially sent the altcoin’s value skyrocketing. As investors lick their wounds, global attention now turns to Walmart’s smiley-face icon ‘Smiley,’ who was admitted to a hospital early Monday morning after reporting extreme fatigue from slashing Litecoin prices just moments after raising them.
“I take my work seriously,” Smiley told his fans via Instagram Live from a hospital bed. “I’m accustomed to slashing prices with reckless abandon, and even raising those prices back up when needed. But I’ve never done both, back-to-back, with such a short turnaround. I basically passed out and woke up in a shopping cart.”
After returning from a Tik Tok dance challenge break, a team of nurses administered a rapid COVID-19 test on Smiley, who received two doses of the Pfizer vaccine. The results came back negative.
“Smiley’s a workhorse,” said the physician on duty. “This dude rarely takes a day off from cutting costs for blue collar Americans, and for that we owe immense gratitude. But cryptocurrency is no joke. We’re taking the utmost precautions as the Litecoin spikes and dips were intense.”
With Smiley sidelined, money markets dipped today as the country worries that there’s now no one helping fight inflation.