Omaha, NE – In a frenzied earnings call at three o’clock in the morning, Berkshire Hathaway’s CEO and chairman, Warren Buffet, explained how he planned to cover any losses this quarter by taking a series of high reward bets on the 2021 NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.
In a series of elaborate prop bets, he assured all of his clients that if they gave him one more week and if Gonzaga can beat UCLA by more than 14, he’ll be swimming in cash and everything will be golden.
The so-called “Oracle of Omaha” is known for his long-term, low-risk portfolio. “I tend to think about how an investment will be performing in ten years, or if they have picked up any five-star recruits who can play both ends of the court.”
But due to a string of poorly performing acquisitions and a terrible night at the Santa Anita race track, industry reporters now fear that Buffett is currently in a massive amount of debt. But he denies such claims as rumors and says that he is “…good for it, you know that. Come on, it’s me, Daddy Warbucks!”
But forecasters are worried about his ability to navigate the changing economic landscape and rise of Pac-12 as a division. “He’s a schmuck,” commented Joseph Tong of the Wall Street Journal. “He keeps coming back with a new sob story about why he can’t cover his sheet. Last week it was that his granddaughter spent three billion on mobile games. Do we look stupid?”
As of press time, shareholders have given Buffet until next Thursday to get the scratch together, or they start breaking things.