PEBBLE BEACH, Calif. – When you get the opportunity to chat with the head of one of America’s most storied banking institutions, you take it. So when we realized JPMorgan’s CEO Jamie Dimon was in the foursome behind us at Pebble Beach, we played slow as fuck to get close enough to ask him a few questions.
“What is your secret? How can the everyman hope to achieve even 1% of your current success?” we asked before he could threaten our removal from the course. Once he realized that we are huge fans of his work, he immediately softened.
“What? Oh, well I guess being CEO doesn’t hurtBut my advisor suggests some surprisingly risky mutual funds in my portfolio. I was a bit adverse to taking on so much risk, but he really pushed-”
“No, not with money. We’re fully invested in Gamestop so we’re set financially,” we replied, catching ol’ Dimon Hands off guard. “When it comes to investing, you could probably learn a thing or two from us. But everyone wants to know about that glowing skin!”
“Oh, hmm. I wash my face at night and use some anti-aging cream my wife buys for me. I’m not even sure of what brand it is. It smells fine I guess?” said Dimon, who doesn’t have a single blackhead in sight. “I’ve also never worked a hard day’s manual labor in my life. Physical exertion will really age you quickly. Avoid it at all costs.”
Little did he know he was preaching to the choir. Most of our Hard Money staffers get winded bending over to plug in a USB device.
“If possible, get headshots taken while testifying in front of Congress,” Dimon continued. “The lighting in those chambers is fucking flawless.”
“Oh yes, we actually have to go in because of some articles we ran last month,” we admitted. “We’ll be sure to snap some selfies while Rep. Jim Jordan is mouthing off on some horseshit.”
Just as we were winding up our conversation, Jamie Dimon granted us one more essential tip to maintaining a vibrant, alluring glow.
“Geeze, I almost left out the most important part of all,” remembered Dimon before driving his cart away. “The blood of newborn babies! Take two shots in the morning, one at lunch, and three in the evening. Can’t be any older than one, but preferably younger than 6 months. A squeeze of lime helps until you get used to the taste. I actually look forward to it now!”