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Your Guide To Picking The Best Credit Card From A Guy With 96 Of Them

Have you been looking for a great new credit card that suits your unique lifestyle? Well, I’m somewhat of an expert when it comes to using credit cards. In fact, I’ve got dozens of them, from every bank that will still let me open accounts. Here are my top tips for choosing the credit cards that match your distinct needs.

First, ask yourself why you want a new card. Is it to rack up travel points, or earn cash back rewards? Perhaps, like me, you want to conceal a debilitating gambling habit from your wife and in-laws. If it’s the former two, definitely consider a card from Chase, such as the Sapphire Reserve or Freedom.

If it’s the gambling thing, just open as many cards as you can, as fast as you can, and immediately call your bookie about that parlay you just know is a lock this time. Once you hit big, you can pay off your balances, close 37 accounts in one week, and watch your FICO score make major moves! That will show Sharon and her fucking parents you’re not “untrustworthy” and “financially reckless.”

Also, don’t worry if your card has an annual fee. It’s not like you’re going to have it open that long anyways. Who keeps a credit card open for more than a year? I’ve never heard of anyone doing that.

Speaking of opening cards, would you mind referring me for whatever cards you do sign up for? I really need this, man, and I heard that may help me with getting approved. Who knows, it’s worth a shot, right? You’ve got good credit I bet. All I need is like $2,000. When the Steelers score 55 points next week and win the coin toss I will be rich and I promise I’ll never open another card again. Besides, you owe me, I gave you awesome advice.